We'll Take A Cup of Kindness Yet, For Auld Lang Syne

*blows off dust* Check, check, this thing on? Sibilance, sibilance.

Back in the year 2012 I decided to make my first set of NewYear's Resolutions. I made one for every year I had been alive. Since then, other than the ones I made for Gamerstable in 2013, 2014 (here's how we did with those), and 2015 (and the scorecard for those) I have not made any personal resolutions. The year 2012 was a great one for me. A lot of that is owed to the list of resolutions I made. I did not even complete half of the resolutions, but just half of that list greatly altered how that year turned out. After all of the life changing things that have happened in the last few years, I have decided to make a list of resolutions/goals/bucket list/whatever again (and the world is not even scheduled to end this year!). So, 2016 get ready, we're going to kick some butt.

1) Go to Colorado.

-Last summer my little brother Chad and his girlfriend Jackie acted on a huge decision they had made, they packed up all of their stuff and made the move from Illinois where we have lived out entire lives to Colorado. Chad has wanted to live in Colorado since our first family vacation there when he was 8. Since then I have been to Colorado a handful of times, but not since my aunt and uncle married back in 2007. So this year, Colorado, I am coming to see you and your beautiful mountains.

2) Go to a gaming convention.

-This resolution was originally "Go to GenCon" but I did not want it to be entirely hung up on one event because something could come up that particular weekend. Back in 2012, I first started hanging out with the Gamerstable crew (for those who do not know, this is the podcast I am on, and my weekly gaming group), that year I went to my first convention in Collinsville, IL. After that I went to GenCon the next two years. Last year, I was not able to go due to our upcoming move and the new job I had just started the month (or maybe it was two months) before. As I watched all my friends' texts and social media posts come in I was devastated. Friday I even spent a good portion of the day plotting out how I could get there and spend at least Saturday there. I ended up missing GenCon, which truly is the best 4 days in gaming, and stayed at home being a responsible adult and saving money for a security deposit and all the other expenses included in moving (which still ended up being more than we had expected). This year I would LOVE to get back to GenCon, as long as a major life event or bodily injury or going bankrupt does not happen, I plan on being there. If I can't make it due to one of those things, a smaller convention will do. St. Louis has Geekway to the West which comes highly recommended by my buddy Kevin aka Melvin Smif (that's his blog) aka @SharnDM (that's his twitter). I also found a con in Wisconsin called Gamehole Con that looks quite spectacular. We will see which the winner is, and I may even get lucky and be able to go to multiple.

3) Learn something new.

-This was one of my favorites from 2012, it led to me playing Dungeons and Dragons for the first time and meeting some of my dearest friends that I still have 4 years later. This year, I think it will not be something quite as epic as my lifelong headfirst plunge into gaming but it is something very close to my heart. Growing up my siblings and I would spend the majority of our days in the summer at my grandma and grandpa's house. My grandma was the one who taught me how to cook, how to garden, and how to sew among many other things. This Christmas she got me a sewing machine. Other than a few minor things here and there, the only thing I have sewn was a quilt and my grandma was there to help me every step of the way. This year, I am hoping to learn to sew clothes. I have watched her alter clothes and even did some of it myself (this falls in the minor category), but I have never done anything from the ground up. With my lifelong love of costumes/dressing up having a new (3 year old) outlet in cosplay, I would very much so love to be able to sew my own costume to wear to a con (or Halloween or Tuesday). Mind you, my resolution is to learn something new and this goal may change to something like spelunking, for now, this is what is on my mind. Just think of all the cute new dresses I will be able to add to my closet!

4) Finish 12 paintings this year.

-2015 was the year I fell in love with painting. It started with a paint night with some of the best people I know, hosted by the wonderful Nancy. (Seriously, if you live in my area, you should click her name and sign up for a night of painting with her.) After my first night painting with her, I knew I was hooked. The very next night I went to Michael's and bough canvas, paint, and brushes and I've been painting ever since. I had a pretty long streak of painting once a week, most of which I would finish the painting that day. Here recently, however, I have been trying to stretch myself and do things that are a little more challenging. More complex backgrounds and things that I am really not sure I can do prior to starting. That, plus I no longer have a roommate with a blow dryer... that slows things down A LOT. So my goal is one a month, I think that's attainable.

5) Karaoke.

-This is one that was leftover from 2012; I STILL have never gone to a place to karaoke. At my last job, we would talk about it all the time; we never got around to planning it. This year will be the year of karaoke. It will happen. I will not chicken out.

6) Continue updating my budget.

-Around the same time I had to miss GenCon due to not saving any money other than what we needed to move, I decided we should have a budget. There should be somewhere, written in stone, how much money is coming in and how much money is going out, along with how much money it is ok to throw away on stupid things like Cat Foot Mops if the mood strikes. It took awhile to turn that decision into a reality, we ended up not moving until October, and as soon as we moved into that place, we had to move out and into another. But finally in November, I had pretty decent estimates of all the outgoing dollar amounts for bills, and I had known since I started my new job all of the incoming, so I was able to sit down and make a budget. I had not planned on actually starting a budget until January, but to have the most accurate budget, you need to start a little early. My spreadsheet for November is pretty much a mess, December is better, but there were still changes and updates to be made for January. I'm sure I will have to continue tweaking my budget through the year; I already have a few things that won't be able to take effect until February. But the important thing is continuing to update my budget and remaining mindful of that incoming to outgoing ratio, especially when it comes to things like savings.

7) Run Deadlands.

-This one was not one I came up with on my own. If you could not tell from the first paragraph of this post, every year on my podcast we do a resolutions and challenges episode, where we make our resolutions for the year and the other members are free to challenge us to make some change or another in our lives. Being a gaming podcast, these are all gaming related and not many personal ones make the show (though there have been a few). This year Eric challenged me to run a game of Deadlands. This was a really good challenge for me. I borrowed Eric's Deadlands books for about a year, reading them, taking notes, wanting to play and never getting a chance to. This year, I still may not to be on the player side of the screen, but running it is a good alternative. For the people who are not gamers reading this (or even the people who are gamers, but are not familiar with Deadlands), Deadlands is a tabletop roleplaying game (tabletop roleplaying games are best known by the game Dungeons and Dragons). Deadlands is set in the old west, it is a slight off shoot from history as we know it, the civil war did not go the exact way we know to have gone among many other things. I mentioned previously those summers at my grandma and grandpa's house, and the love of sewing and cooking my grandma infused in me, well, the love my grandpa handed down to me was of Westerns. Maverick is one of the first live action movies I remember seeing (after looking at the release date, I have come to the realization that it was most likely not, but the memory of a child is a wobbly one and things get mashed together). In addition to Maverick, we would watch things like McClintock! and Tombstone and pretty much anything in the John Wayne collection. There were two settings on the TV once my grandpa got home from work, Westerns or News. While I was still in film school I always wanted to make a Western, as I have chosen a very different path in life, it is about time I run a game set in one. If you want to listen to Eric's challenge and the rest of the gang's resolutions/challenges go on over to the Gamerstable site and give it a listen.

8) Get back down to my Weight Watchers goal weight.

-I know losing weight is a cliché resolution. It kills me to put this. Actually, it does not kill me at all, because I had to come up with sixteen resolutions and that is a lot. Back in 2011 I started Weight Watchers for the umpteenth time, but this time it was different. I was bound and determined to stick with it and I wasn't just joining up because I felt I should or because my mom was doing it. I had decided to start going to meetings and I drug my mom, my Aunt Sharon, and my friend Evan along. That round of Weight Watchers did end up being different, I lost nearly 50 lbs. and I kept it off for several years. Meeting my boyfriend and dating him and moving in with him has not been conducive to continuing this weight loss maintenance (yeah, yeah, more stereotypes and clichés), and I've gained a lot of the weight I lost back. After Thanksgiving of this year and getting all the stress of moving and job-hunting, and the health issues I had been having out of the way, I started Weight Watchers up again. It's been a little over a month and right now my total lost sits at 12 lbs., post-Christmas weigh in was a bit of a setback but I'm hoping to get back on track and I would like to get back to the weight I know I feel most comfortable in sometime in the year of 2016.

9) Do another 5K.

-I was reading through my old 2012 resolutions and thinking of the ones I did not complete. In 2012 I wanted to run a 10K, I did not end up doing that, I ran 2 separate 5Ks, but that does not count. The last 5K I ran (as an actual race, not just that distance), was probably back in 2014 or 2013. This year I want to run a 5K again. I used to love running so much, but since moving away from my hometown I have not done much of it.

10) Volunteer twice.

-This is another 2012 reject. I thought it would be so easy to volunteer two times that year, in the past I had volunteered way more than that, with girl scouts or my church, so I was certain I could do it, I set a low bar of twice, after all, that should be easy. Well, it ended up not being nearly as easy as I thought it would, back then I was working about 70 hours a week, so in order to volunteer I was going to have to make it happen, not just wait for it to fall in my lap. This year, I know to be more proactive about it. That being said, this is a little front loaded as my good friend Kelsey, who I have talked about on this blog before, has already organized an evening/afternoon volunteering at The Ronald McDonald House later this month. 

11) Start Brandon's campaign.

-This is another one that generated from the Gamerstable Resolutions and Challenges episodes (again, feel free to give it a listen). Awhile back our Wednesday night crew started playing 5th edition Dungeons and Dragons, Brandon was a little bummed he could not join us, so I started planning a one on one campaign just for him, with me running it and him playing a monk. Well the aforementioned move and then getting ready for the holidays really slowed us actually starting this campaign down, so I'm hoping to get back in the saddle and finish planning our first chunk of adventure soon. 

12) Read 12 books.

-Yet another failed 2012 goal. As I said, back then I did not have a lot of free time to read. In the two months I had Kindle Unlimited I read 6 or 7 books, so I am hoping that is an indicator that it is okay to make this a resolution again.

13) Purchase 6 disposable cameras, take pictures with them, and get them developed through the year.

-This was originally a disposable camera a month, but with how much easier it is to just whip out my iPhone and take pictures, I thought that was a little more than I could handle. Back in 2012 I had a resolution to take more pictures and do something with them. I succeeded on a technicality, more than nothing is not much at all. However, part of the way through the year I fell in love with the idea of using disposable cameras and I applied it. Honestly, I probably went through more than 6 in the short span I was still working hard at that resolution. But I loved how all the pictures came out, and actually having physical pictures again. So this year, buy and use disposable cameras, at least six of them, and get them developed.

14) Take at least one trip (trips to fulfill other resolutions do not count).

-I used to travel all the time, then somehow I got down to just one trip a year (GenCon), and last year I did not take a single trip (aside from a couple of out of town weddings, that I am not counting because we were only there during wedding event thing and to sleep afterwards). This year, I am going places! You know, literally going places.

15) Do something new and/or risky.

-This is kind of a remix of several of my 2012 resolutions. I could not come up with specific things I wanted to do like ride an elephant, or going skydiving. I have been lucky and have been able to do a lot of really cool things, I try every year to do something new, but I do not yet have plans for anything this year, maybe I will finally get around to learning to rock climb? Perhaps skydiving and me will have another date? Or maybe there's more white water rafting in my future? My cousin offered to teach me to surf... I'll think of something to fill this generic slot.

16) Get another year older.

-I could not resist adding my favorite resolution to the end of my list, for the record it gets completed in May when I age, not a year from me making this resolution.

So there we have it. I am rebooting the same blog I started back in 2012 for the same reason I initially started it. Cheers 2016, I'm looking forward to you.

Caffeine Induced Nonsense? Mostly I just link to a lot of things.

I'm sitting in this coffee shop, drinking my Chai Tea Latte and fancy bottle of water, with my MacBook Pro out, looking like a tool, so I thought to myself, "Hey, it's June 25, I haven't written a blog since the first of May, maybe since I already look like a writer douche, I should write."

That brings me to this blog post. Hello, guys. Sorry if you are one of the aforementioned writer douches. I've always thought having to go somewhere public to write is a little pretentious, unless, I guess you have awful roommates or something. Then I guess it makes sense. Or perhaps you have over two full hours to kill before your train leaves and your ride only had a tiny window of opportunity to dump you off. 

As most of you know from my twitter, I've spent the past four days (mostly) in the far off land of Milwaukee. I spent a few hours in Chicago on Saturday for my friend Lizette's (who I mostly refer to as my Latin Lover) birthday. I think that's what we're going to talk about today, Chicago. I'm not quite sure, this is honestly the most directionless blog post I've made yet. But, I had tried to write my love letter to Chicago before, and with a few hours in the city both in the recent past and the near future (a two hour stop between trains) it should be a bit easier.

It has been longer since I moved from Chicago, than the entire time I lived there. Which is a weird feeling. I feel like so much of who I am happened while I lived in that city. I feel like I lived there for decades and I just moved away yesterday. In reality, I lived there two years. Two awesome life changing years. And I moved away three years ago. Don't get me wrong, I've done a LOT in the last three years. I feel like in the last three years I've checked the most off of my Grown Up Check List (though I still have infinite things to go).

I wasn't born in Chicago, I wasn't even raised in Chicago, as I said, I only lived there for two years. However, Chicago will always be a little slice of home to me. Just pulling in to the city and seeing that skyline, by train or by car, makes my heart flutter a little.

Being from a cornfield with basically nothing, the first comic shop I ever entered was in Chicago, I think it was actually the summer before I moved there that I went for the first time, but even though I wasn't really a regular, that shop will always hold a place in my heart. Even if they only had volume 3 of the Adventure Time comic when I went in. (That part was obviously added after the two hour train stop.)

I just got lost on a lot of side tangents on this here internets machine, and I think this topic has to now be filed back into the maybe later category. I will say this, though, I'm not sure where my life will take me and I'm not sure what I want out of this life, but I do hope it takes me back to Chicago again, even if it is just for a little bit.

I asked twitter for vague topics and this is the first response that I got: @shrimpiclese "exploration. Gaming. Insomnia. Film. Love. Lust. Dreams. Running. Hiding. Fears. Fire. Ummm are those vague enough?"

Exploration.

I can't think of exploring without thinking of one of my best friends, Sam (Here's a link to her twitter, it's funny in her bio she lists explorer first). You know that line in the movie Stand By Me, where he talks about not having friends like the ones when you are 12? Well, Sam is that friend. When we're together, we are twelve (with the distinct advantage of being able to drive). We've lived in the same small town most of our lives (with the obvious exceptions, and she currently resides in a whole different state). Anyway, we've lived in the same small town most of our lives, and here we are, in our twenties, ready to jump on our bicycles (or in a car, if it's a lazy day) and explore. Usually we end up going to some of our same old haunts, that place by the rez that is so peaceful to both of us, that abandoned house out in the country that gives us the creep, the park up town donated by The Lions Club. But even at these same old places, there's something new to be found. Every day is an adventure, everywhere is a place to explore.

Gaming.

I already wrote a full blog talking about gaming, so I won't say much more on the subject. I will add, that in addition to our Wednesday Night record/game night (We're playing Conan in Savage Worlds right now), I play fairly regularly on Sundays in a D&D campaign with the guys (yes, the maniac Ivy is back), I FINALLY got to play with Dewalin after a decade of trying to talk him into it, all at the request of his 13 year old daughter who is learning how to play, and I made it to Monday night game and yes, my whole life is probably going to be absorbed by gaming soon. I would also like to include that gaming with a kid playing for the first time with her dad DMing is the absolute cutest :3.

Insomnia.

Anyone who follows me on Twitter, or really, anyone who knows me, knows I rendezvous frequently with that thorny wench known as insomnia. I've never been too fond of sleeping, even as a kid in grade school I would stay up late watching Nick at Nite instead of sleeping. My normal amount of sleep is between 4-6 hours per day and I've really been trying to get my act together and no longer cave in to my sleep madness, which causes me to get less than that. Though having two insomniac friends and one friend regularly working a night shift ready for a heaping pile of nonsense at 3am on Twitter doesn't help (that's Mark, Dave, and Mike).

Film.

I love film. I could go on for days about film. I could write essays about films (and I did, I went to film school after all). The worst thing about being a film nerd, is that you want to go on and on about film, but you know most people just aren't interested. So I leave it at that. Besides, the best film conversations are face to face right after experience a film together :)

Love and Lust.
I have two words, man, Moulin Rouge. Uh, like the movie, not like the actual whorehouse. Actually that has great ideas about love but I don't think it depicts any real love, maybe. I'm always skeptical of people who have known each other for like a second and call it love. To me, that's just lust. Love is when you really REALLY know someone, like you know all those sucky little things that are absolutely awful, and you still want to be with them/a part of their lives. I add the a part of their lives because love isn't always just romantic, you can love your friends, I hope you love your family. There are all different kinds of love. I love my freaking cats. Some people love a volleyball named Wilson (Note: I haven't actually seen the movie Cast Away, I know, I'm awful, whatever). It's just the way of things.

Dreams.
It's hard to talk about dreams because it could mean so many things. It could mean the things you see in your mind's eye at night or your hopes and aspirations for life. While nighttime dreams are fun and all I think I'm going to talk about the hopes and aspirations variety. After leaving Chicago (funny how things come around), I had actually lost sight of most of my dreams. My grandma had died the year before and I was still dealing with a lot of stuff. While I still don't have much direction to my dreams (I no longer want to make the next Clerks or write/draw the next big webcomic), I have slowly been regaining my passion for Art and creativity. I capitalize Art because I mean it to encompass everything, not just traditional art like drawing, painting, etc. While I never lost my passion for viewing great Art, I used to do all sorts of stuff, and for a long time, I either stopped doing it or I would have to almost force myself to do it because it was like, well I know I like this, so I guess I should probably do it. In the last year or so I feel that has really been changing. I enjoy writing again. I have ideas for stories come to me and I don't have to sit there and dig. I enjoy drawing again. At this juncture, I'm so out of practice (and I was never really good to begin with), it looks like chicken scratches or something. I actually WANT to make comics again, even if they will just stay in my sketchbook and be shown to close friends. These are all the things that I love, these are all the things I thought I had lost due to growing up, these are the things my eyes have been opened to again. I could go on and on about this. In fact when I first noticed this I did, I had a giant conversation with the aforementioned Sam, and wrote a huge journal post about it in addition. Anyway, lost dream come back, these are important dreams.

Running.
When I first read this, I thought of running in the adventure sense. You know, like in Doctor Who, where it's all about running. That's like 90% of what The Doctor and his companions do on a daily basis (probably). Then I realized, "Oh he probably means like going on runs, for exercise or whatever". So, yeah, I like running. I do it for fun and with about zero regularity these days. Running through my hometown in the middle of the night with nothing but my thoughts, my movement, and my music is completely mesmerizing to me. After a run there's also always that feeling of accomplishment, like, yeah, I did something.

Hiding.
Whenever I was little I used to love playing hide and seek. I have three siblings and while we were growing up our parent's friends had a family with 5 kids (though the youngest wasn't born until we were somewhat older). On weekends our two families would get together and the eight big kids would play hide and seek the majority of the time. We had a fairly long closet in our house that was filled with blankets. The blankets weren't folded, they were just thrown in there because that is the only thing we used that closet for. My favorite place was if you could get far enough back in the blanket closet and cover yourself just right, you could hide for days. Except it was usually the middle of the summer, and way too hot, so you hid there for about five seconds and then tried to sneak out and get to base. Anyway, to this day I still assess where the best hiding place is in any given room. I will never stop playing.

Fears.
My biggest fear is that while I'm sleeping a spider will crawl into my brain and either live there or lay eggs... And not Eggs like my cat, just regular baby spider eggs. But I'm going to admit that's an irrational fear.

Fire.
Um, fires are bad? or good? depending on what's on fire? Bonfires/Weenie Roasts and the like are about one of my favorite Summer/Fall activities.

And so we end the suggestions, thanks again for giving me ideas @shrimpiclese!




Note: After writing part of this it was time to book it to the train station. Now two days later I remembered I had an unfinished blog post sitting in drafts. So, half of this was written in a caffeine-induced haze of lunacy and half of this was written on break from work with a kitten lying next to me purring. See if you can tell which is which. 

This is how it works, you're young until you're not.

Yesterday I read several articles on different things about being in your 20s and it made me start reflecting on my 20s. As I'll be 25 in 10 days, I figure now, with only half the data is the perfect time to tell the entire world what your 20s are all about. After all, doing things recklessly, haphazardly, with half the information is one of those things.

The most important thing to remember during your 20s: YOU ARE STILL A CHILD. When you are a teenager, you are granted that beautiful privilege of freedom via driving or no curfew or being able to vote or moving away from home. Once this happens you think to yourself, "I am a grown up now. It's finally happened." Then, you get a little bit of responsibility, this could happen at the same time, it could be bills, or living on your own, or going to college and being in charge of your own schedule. When this happens you think again, "I guess I wasn't a grown up before, but now, surely I am a grown up." And you are still wrong. Then maybe a little bit of life actually happens, and when this happens, you're weary, all you think is, "grown up?" And maybe you are at this point, or maybe you aren't. Most likely you aren't, but you have more frequent grown up moments. The fact that you question whether you are or not, and aren't sure of it, is the first of these moments.

The realization that I was still a child with some grown up moments was a big one. I remember exactly when I started questioning the fact that I was surely a grown up and over the course of the time that followed embraced the fact that I am a child very good at pretending to be a grown up.

Let's rewind a little bit and talk about my twenties. Two months before I turned 20, my parents got a divorce. One month before I turned 20, I moved out of my childhood home never to look back. I had lived a charmed life, up until this point; everything had been perfect and happy. Really, after the initial adjustment phase, I realized I still had a happy perfect little life. That summer I lived with my grandma and my mom, I spent time working at a restaurant, watching day time tv with my grandma and goofing off with friends. Then I moved away to the big bad city of Chicago in the fall.

Chicago isn't actually big and bad... Well, maybe it is, but my experience of it has yet to prove so. However, when you grow up your entire life in a cornfield, moving somewhere like Chicago is a big deal, liking somewhere like Chicago is an even bigger deal. I did both. Living in a high rise Chicago apartment, being 20, and having had something difficult happen to me (my parent's divorce, which, in retrospect, wasn't so very difficult), I knew I was surely a grown up. A few months later, life slapped me in the face and said, "You think you're a grown up? You think you've experienced sadness? Good one." And my grandma died. To this day, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. When my grandma died, she was the only person I could talk to about anything. Prior to my parent's divorce, my mom had been that person, but then with the divorce so came a whole bunch of crap, and suddenly I couldn't talk to my mom about everything. I could still talk to her about most things, just not everything.  My grandma filled that hole. She also always knew the right thing to say, and I'm not embellishing here, she really did. Then she was gone, and I shut down. After living through this, struggling through it, I was positive I was a grown up.

Time went on, and things changed and I was still in school, and my graduation date was being shoved back again due to my procrastinating tendencies. And this is when that moment where I realized I was still a child happened.It wasn't a big epiphany, I didn't come to the conclusion myself. In true childlike fashion, I had to be told.

 I was really stressed and overwhelmed by school, so much so, that all my anxiety ticks had started showing up again, which just made me worry more and made them more prominent, which made me worry more and so on forever. I decided it would be best to adjust my 4-year plan and maybe drop a class so I didn't die from a brain aneurysm caused by hypertension caused by stress at the ripe old age of 21. I went to go see my advisor, he had been in the film industry and there was grey hair in his dreadlocks. Yes, my advisor had dreadlocks. We also spent the first 10 minutes of my appointment talking about Batman. After that we started talking about dropping classes, next semester's classes and my 4-year plan. As I realized in order to regain my saneness and maintain it, I would have to add AT LEAST another year to my 4-year plan, I started having the inward feelings of a panic attack. Now, the funny thing about panic attacks and me, are that if I do something else to release some tension, like screaming or crying, I won't start hyperventilating. Naturally, my eyes start to well up and I try to croak out that I don't want to add another year, I am already too old for college. At this, he looks at me and asks my age, and when I reply 21, he laughs. He laughs, and says, "Honey, you're still a child." At this juncture I am just trying to get out of here as quickly as possible, because I can't believe I cried in front of this guy I hardly knew, and it doesn't matter what happens with classes, and my heart is beating so fast, and I still might start having a full blown hyperventilating panic attack. So, I just agree with everything he says and leave as soon as possible. In addition to all the other stuff going on in my head (my doomed future, my impending panic/heart attack, my embarrassment) I remember a twinge of offense at his words. This guy doesn't know me, I'm 21, that's basically a million in college years, I've lived some real life, I've been to other countries, I moved away from home, my grandma died and ended my world, I am a grown up, not a child, I am an adult. This guy was truly my advisor TO LIFE.

It just took that one little sentence to change my whole perspective of my 20s. Because with every year and every experience I've had so far, it has made me look back, shake my head, and realize, "I was just a child when I did all that. What was I thinking playing grown up?" Right now, yes, I think I'm a grown up. I've made a lot of advances in my life, and I'm looking to make a lot more. I have a full time job. I live on my own and never plan on living with my parents again. I depend on my parents no more than I would depend on a friend. I am responsible for two lives besides my own (my cats). But I realize, now, no matter how many things I mark off the Grown Up Check List, or I achieve that makes me feel grown up, after some time has passed, I am going to look back, shake my head and think, "I was just a child when I did all that. What was I thinking playing grown up?"















Side Bar: The title is from Regina Spektor's song On The Radio, it is a great song about life, and I listened to it three times during the course of planning and writing this blog.

Hello and Welcome To Gamerstable...

I'm a nerd. A huge nerd. Anyone who has ever met me, however briefly probably knows this. It just seeps out of me. I don't do it on purpose, I just like what I like and I like everyone knowing what I like and I like trying to get everyone to like what I like. That sentence got away from me, yeah. See? I did it again, in my head that was in David Tennant's voice. I can't be stopped.

I feel like I have almost always classified myself as a nerd. I loved science fiction, I played video games at recess, I read during school, I was an insufferable know-it-all in classes, I loved superhero shows and movies, I played Harry Potter with my little brothers instead of House, I loved technology and I liked learning how things worked and the origin of things, When we got a computer I loved it. I was immersed in nerd culture, and yet, I had never played a Tabletop RPG Game.

I became obsessed with webcomics my first year of college. At one point in time I was reading over 30 on a daily basis and had gone through the entirety of each archive. I went to art school (for film) and now I'm studying Computer Science.

Uh, where was I going with this?

Oh right. I have glasses, therefore = nerd. Argument over.

The first time I had heard of Dungeons and Dragons (I am not going to type that in its entirety throughout the rest of this, it's going to be D&D, from here on), I was very young. My older cousin Tommy was in junior high and I must've been in 4th or 5th grade. He had started playing this game and one afternoon decided to try out his DM (Dungeon Master, for those who don't know) skills. He had talked me into doing it by telling me how it could sort of be like Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter. Together we talked his sister into doing it because it was two against one, and Kate has always done what I've said (ok, maybe not entirely true, but it makes for a good story.) We created characters, I remember mine was a blonde thief hobbit with gold hair and purple eyes and started an adventure. And by started an adventure, I mean Tommy didn't even get through the set up before Kate decided we had to go play Polly Pockets or something. The only thing I remember about that was what I said before about my character and that he had been trying to describe a lighter similar to Dumbledore's in the first chapter of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

Several years had gone by before I had thought about D&D again. When I was in high school I got a job, and suddenly D&D started to come up again. My boss, Dewalin, had been playing D&D since he was a teenager and had talked about it once or twice (and later a million times). I was intrigued, but at the time he didn't have a group to play with, and I was busy living my high school life. Then I went off to college. I got super into webcomics. It started with PvP and Penny Arcade and just spiraled out of control from there. All of a sudden I was submersed in even more geek culture than previously. I learned about conventions, different nerdy music, that maybe you can like Star Trek even if you loved Star Wars growing up, and most importantly THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO D&D THAN PURPLE EYES AND DUMBLEDORE'S LIGHTER. I finally got really interested. I researched it... Well, I read the Wikipedia on it. I talked to Dewalin about it, and actually wanted to know everything about it, and wanted to learn how to play. He still didn't have a group, so I still didn't get to play. Finally I got an offer to play from one of my high school friends.. The only catch he now lived (and gamed) two hours away from our hometown, which would be close to three and a half hours away from where I went to college... Oh did I mention they played on weekdays? Couldn't make it work. Then a whole bunch of life happened and I moved and I moved and I moved, then finally I moved back home. Dewalin finally had a gaming group and maybe I could play sometime. Due to circumstances (they were in the middle of a campaign, he had to quit playing again, he started back up, but I had to read the player's guide first, one of us had to be at work) I never got to play with him and his group. It seemed like it just wasn't in the cards for me to ever play this game.

Then one fateful day my dear sweet friend Evan sends me a text telling me a coworker needed to find a girl who had never played D&D before and was willing to learn. She told him she might have just the person, and then asked if I was interested. I told her, yes, of course, I've wanted to learn for years, drop him my digits. Then she tells me the catch. He does a podcast called Gamerstable (please click that link and check it out) and they weren't just reaching out to n00bs willy nilly, they were doing it for the show. Everything we did would be recorded and put out on the internet for the masses to hear. This slowed me down a little bit. I'm not at all shy and actually had considered doing a podcast before, but this was a little too far out of my comfort zone. I hate feeling like I'm ignorant of something, and I hate even more being caught in the act of being ignorant. They were going to record me doing something I had never done before where there were millions of ways for me to sound like the stupidest person on Earth. I didn't tell her of my hesitation and just left it. In late June Jayson sent me some (unintentionally) intimidating texts trying to validate my nerdom. I passed with flying colors and didn't even have to tell him the glasses thing.

Side Note: this is a direct quote from one of Jayson's texts, "We're not looking for new members but... Ideally this would lead to an invitation to play anytime after the recordings are done..." You can't hide your lyin' eyes, old man, I found your Wanted: Looking for Gamer Girls add as soon as I logged on to the shared google doc. (Not to mention the seven months I've been a fairly regular part of the group).

The first Wednesday in August I threw caution to the wind and went to go sit in some strange dude's basement with five other dude strangers. I travelled thirty miles to the far off land of Gamerstableville. I only had two slightly panicky monologues (I would say conversations, but I was pretty busy being the only one talking) and only came up with about 20 completely plausible ways this could end badly. Oh, yeah, I'm completely neurotic, if you didn't know. Did I mention Shawn's basement was completely creepy? Luckily, no basement was ever as creepy as the one at my grandma's house which I lived in for three or so years, so that didn't scare me off. I met Jayson (face to face), Eric, Mike, Dan, and Shawn. Mark, the other member of the group was gone and they joked about me replacing him and I impressed them all with my Batman/Mark voice. Then we recorded my first podcast. I honestly can't even remember the topic... Why don't you guys go over to http://gamerstable.com/ and go back to sometime in August and figure that out for me? Alright, Alright, sheesh, I'll stop plugging it. I think maybe we just did a character generation/ who the heck is Shannon one.. That sounds right.

Needless to say, the seven of us hit it off (I didn't replace Mark, he was there the next week). The rest is history.

After our D&D run, which you can listen to on the site.. that I'm not going to link to again... but if you just scroll up and click the link and go to "Roleplay Dramas" you can listen to my three part adventure. Anyway... After out D&D run, the guys started talking about what was next, a superhero campaign, playing Mutants And Masterminds, set in World War 2. I'm not sure what happened to all my superhero love, when they asked me what superhero I would want to be, my mind was blank. I wasn't sure at all how character generation worked, and I didn't know what super powers would be "good" super powers to have and I wanted to be an asset to the team. They had said World War 2, which I always relate to Indiana Jones, so I said, "a female Indiana Jones, but with, like, super powers or something". Oh silly Shannon. Anyway, when it came down to it, I did not want to be female Indiana Jones, when looking over the book with Mike I kept leaning toward psychic tendencies and then I used a computer program that Eric had to create my character.

I know I hadn't intended it, but somehow I managed to throw together a pretty decent telepath. Using a hillbilly name generator we found online, and the aforementioned character building tools, Cissy Birmingham, the Liverpudlian orphan psychic came to fruition. For the past six months I have been stepping into her skin to fight some Nazis, dig for information, and blow things up. Tonight, I did that for what may have been the last time. Yes, we left it open ended and there was a lot of set up for replay, but with so many games to play, who is to say we will ever get back to Cissy Birmingham and the agents of M.U.M.? World War 2 is over, we captured or killed all (most) of the bad guys, this campaign has come to an end.

Even though we had my short little D&D stint, I consider this my first REAL game. Cissy was the first character I cared about. If Ivy Nightfall (my D&D elf) died, I would've been a little upset, but mostly because it meant I lost (I know you don't actually win or lose, stop hating). If Cissy Birmingham died or even anyone Cissy cared about (Thanks a million times for not killing Sgt. Baker, Mike) it would have been sad, extremely sad. It would be like in the movie [REDACTED FOR SPOILERS]. Sometimes you just care about a character, no matter what the medium, books, movie, gaming, even artwork, or songs. You want these characters to be happy, and that's how I feel about Cissy.

I kept pretty decent notes during our campaign, and tonight after I wanted/helped create a fully fleshed out epilogue for Cissy, her love Frank Baker, and her other friends, we discussed a possible project where I write Cissy's memoirs. I haven't fully decided, but it might be something to keep your eye out for.

Now for some sentimentality for people who actually exist:

I'm super grateful to have Gamerstable and those guys in my life. Even though I'm only 1+ campaign in, I feel like I can say, I love tabletop gaming. I love getting immersed in a world and even more so, having a say in how that world works. I wouldn't have that if it weren't for the show. Really, it's more than just a podcast, it's even more than gaming, it's friendship. Some days I feel like I've been invited to this elite club that most people just get to view through the window... I don't have their history, and I don't always get all of their references, and sometimes... dang... those gents can be crude, but regardless we have a good time, and they treat me as one of their own, and we have fun. Wednesday night, consider yourself booked, indefinitely.

Happy New Year! 2013-style!

So, uh, yeah.... six months? Oops. And here it is at the end of January, and I'm just now getting ready to do my 2012 recap. So let's talk about the year the world was supposed to end.

I made a list of what all I felt I had accomplished and done this year, so I'll write about that and then I'll go back through and do a 2012 Resolution recap. Saddle up, folks, this is going to be a long one.

-I quit drinking for 2 months. Most people who know me, know this isn't that big of a deal. I didn't even start drinking until last year, and giving it up wasn't very hard. I gave it up for lent, so it wasn't exactly two months. I thought it was better than my regular lent go to of eating no meat, although, I feel like I ate more meat this year than I usually do, maybe I should go for the double whammy this coming lenten season.

-I jumped out of a flying airplane. I know I've already made a post about this, and it was one of my resolutions, but seriously. It was amazing. It deserves at least three mentions.

-I lost someone who was very important in my life and very very dear to me. Gail Schutz, one of the greatest people I've ever known, died on February 29th last year. I woke up to a phone call on March 1st in Carbondale, on the first of a three step trip to South Carolina for spring break. When I heard the news it didn't really sink in at first. Then by my second and third phone call of people telling me, it really hit me. I've been lucky in my life not to have many people I care about die, but it's hard to focus on that when one of them does. I was going to write a whole blog post back in March talking about how wonderful Gail was and how much she'll be missed, but I decided not to, because anyone who had ever even said hi to her on the street knows that. She was great at everything she did because she did it with love. Girl Scout Leader, Mother, Grandmother, Babysitter, Farm Wife, Church Leader, Life Coach, Keeper of All Knowledge, among many many other things.

-I dropped out of school. Anyone who knows me, knows this wasn't a first, but I certainly hope it was the last. I struggled for several months with it and wanted to keep going, but I just wasn't staying motivated and I decided it would be best for me to stop wasting my money. So I took the steps necessary to drop out of school. When I did it, I had no real plan of going back. I kept it in the back of my head and any time I was asked about it I told the inquisitor I was just "taking a semester off", but in reality I thought I was lying to them and I wasn't sure if I would ever go back to school again.

-I applied to and got accepted to my sixth college. In November I finally got my spark of interest back, and started thinking about schools again. I looked at several online, all in different cities and different states. I weighed the pros and cons, I compared tuitions to how high they ranked on random surveys I found. I finally settled on McKendree University, but not for any of the reasons I had looked in to. They have an accelerated program through Scott Air Force Base, that I think I can actually get through without losing interest. I will start attending soon. Fingers crossed.

-I let the insurance on my car expire and quit driving for 5 months, making bicycle my primary mode of transportation. This was probably one of the best things I did for myself. At the time I lived three blocks from work and still drove every day. I loved riding my bike instead and I knew the only way I would do it would be if I couldn't drive. Once I got my car back, I still rode my bike some, but not enough, but the weather also started getting colder.

-I ended a bad thing... twice (oops). I'm not going to go into further details, because I don't really want to delve that far into my personal life for the entire world to see, but I do feel like it was a big accomplishment kicking this one.

-I went on three first dates. I think the most first dates I've ever been on in a year had previously been one, so I tripled my numbers, whoo?

-I kissed a stranger.. And then freaked out about having kissed a stranger. Up until this point every guy I had kissed and/or gone on a date with (with the exception of one blind double date) I had known for awhile before anything had happened. So, that was weird.

-I moved out of my mom's house for, possibly, the last time. I'm not going to make that definitive, because sometimes life happens, but this is the first time I moved out without any plan of moving back in. I moved in with my dear sweet cousin Katherine, and it has been great. I've lived here about 9 months now and I plan on staying here as long as I'm in White Hall.

-This was the year I started LOVING to dance. I've always liked it, and frequently have one woman dance productions while I shower/get ready to go some place. But I've never really liked dancing in public. I've always done it when presented with the opportunity, but I always a little awkward. I don't know what happened, maybe it was the increase in frequency of dance opportunities, but for some reason this year things just clicked and I embraced my awkwardness and learned to love it.

-For the first time ever, I made a hotel reservation by myself and checked in by myself. I think this means I'm a grown up now. Right? Right?

-I bought an Armani dress. That's right everyone, I'm super fancy. I have designer clothes (besides the indie designers from ModCloth). This is the most expensive item of clothing I've ever bought, including prom and homecoming dresses. I regret nothing.

-I went to New York City with dear sweet friend Miss Kelsey Greaves and her lovely grandfather. This was a very big deal to me. For as long as I can remember I've wanted to visit that city, and honestly, I've always seen myself living there some day. I got to see so many cool things and do such neat stuff. I saw Phantom of the Opera (the longest running Broadway show) ON BROADWAY, a week before it closed. I saw where John Lennon was shot and the memorial. I saw the Big Blue Whale at the American Museum of Natural History. We went to the Met, the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, and so much more. It was the trip of a lifetime, and I really hope I get to visit again.

-For years now, I've wanted to attend a convention, and I've made several hypothetical trip plans to go to San Diego Comic Con, Emerald City Comic Con, C2E2, and so many more, yet I never went. Part of it was I almost always picked one that was far off and the other part was it's been difficult to talk people into going with me. FINALLY, I got to go to a convention. It wasn't San Diego, or ECCC, or even C2E2, but it was a con. One in my own back yard, even (not literally, it was in Collinsville). I attended Archon, dressed as the blue ranger (wore a blue ranger t-shirt), bought a bunch of comics, found a group power rangers who just happened to be missing a blue ranger, and did some recording with the guys for our podcast. Overall, a happy experience. In the near future there should be more cons, St. Louis Comic Con in March, and possibly Gen Con in August.

I think I'll do the Resolution Recap in another post, then expect a third post with this year's resolutions.

Have a good night*! (*insert morning, afternoon, or day as you see fit)

Quality vs. Quantity and People Named Kelsey

So my adventure into writing every day did not last. I wrote every day for about a week, then realized it wasn't working for me. While I enjoy journalling and writing these blog posts, the fact is, they're easy for me. I kept using those as a cop out, and instead of trying to write a really good short story I would write a whiny journal entry about some aspect of my life. So, at the end of the week I ended up with 2 blogs about nothing in particular, 1 poem about asparagus, and a handful of journal entries. 

I would like to switch my goal, yet again. Instead of popping out one half-assed piece of writing a day, I'm going to try to write one quality bit a week. This does not include blog posts, but I am going to try to continue blogging more frequently.

I guess that concludes all I had to say on Quality vs. Quantity, I thought I had more, guess I was wrong. 

Now on to Kelseys: 

As I mentioned before, I will journeying to the magical land of cheese, I mean Milwaukee next month to celebrate the marriage of one of the important Kelseys in my life, Kelsey Lyn Aicher. When discussing plans for the weekend with her, I was informed that there is a circus museum just a few hours away where I can ride an elephant! Since we'll be there through Tuesday (Cards play Brewers that Monday), and have Sunday to kill, I believe that's what we'll do. Killing two birds with one stone again, whoo!

The second Kelsey is one of my very best friends Kelsey Greaves (here's her blog). It's her birthday today! She's turning the boring old age of the two poos (22, double deuce, get it?), but we're celebrating like she's turning.... Some eventful, exciting age. Anyway: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SMELS! I LOVE YOU! YOU ARE THE GREATEST! 

The last Kelsey is none other than Kelsey Schutz (here's her blog). I don't really have anything specific to say to her, but I didn't want her to be left out since she is also an important Kelsey in my life. I was just reminded by her blog today that she'll be home in a month! That's pretty exciting. If you don't already, you should definitely read her blog. This girl lives an exciting life and is an excellent writer, always worth the read.

-Shannon!